Today was my 6 week checkup with my OB. Not sure if I should even blog about this, but I feel like it is good therapy to write about it. The whole drive over there I was fine. I even managed to get in the door and signed in. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. Tears came to my eyes as I thought about the last time I was in that waiting room. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. I was there for a routine checkup. Today I was there to make sure I was healing. The tears kept coming as they led me back to be weighed and have my blood pressure taken. "how are you?" Numb. I am numb. Then I waited in the exact same room where I heard those daunting words "I cannot hear the baby's heart." Today I sat there, numb. My husband walked in and gave me a big hug. (only a few minutes late) Then entered the doctor. "how are you?" Numb. Do you ever really wrap your mind around what happened? The doctor seemed a bit down today also. As he checked on my healing (physically) he was searching for words of comfort, even 6 weeks later. He kept saying that I would never get over this, that only time will lessen the pain. I laid there, numb. I didn't really respond or say anything. I knew that he felt horrible and I knew that he knew I felt horrible. The doctor became speechless at times and it was then that I knew this was hard on him, as it was on me. Bless his heart, he would have done anything to save that baby. But some things are just meant to be......
My feelings of course led me to Jessica's resting place, Queen of Heaven Cemetery. I walked over to her spot and said hello. I like to imagine her dancing, skipping and singing in heaven. She is happy, oh so happy to be there. So I will keep her in my heart, skipping, dancing, and singing.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
El Doctor
Posted by Emily at 2:38 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
You are doing such a great job, Em. Know that your are not alone in this! You are right though. She IS skipping and laughing and singing and doing all of the wonderful things that sweet little girls do. And it's because she knows what a great family she has. We're always thinking of you guys...
Em HUGE HUGS!!! I know that words aren't enough but you guys are in our thoughts and prayers.
Oh Em... that must have been so hard. I'm so sorry. You are the most amazing person. Jessica is dancing and skipping and happily watching over you. She knows you, just like you know her. I'm sorry we'll have to wait for so long to get a chance to dance and skip with her.
What a beautiful entry. I bet it felt good to get that out there. You are such a strong person. I admire that in you. Your always in my thoughts.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps us all heal. You are an amazing woman who I admire in so many ways. You are true blessing to our family and I cant wait to meet Jessica and see her dancing and skipping with the family. Love ya!!
Em-
It was so great to see a comment from you on my blog and to click over and see you and your family! My heart just broke when I read about the trials you all have been facing lately. I just hate the thought of someone who has always been one of my favorite people going through such a hard thing. Yep, you have been one of my favorite people ever since that hike I came on with all you "older girls." :) You were so kind to me - the younger, awkward, wishing I was like you all, kid and it has never been forgotten. Hugs and prayers to you.
lots 'o love,
Mary
this made me cry. thanks for sharing your experience.
loves,
B
I do not know how well i can type i am so emotional from your post. it was so tender. I lost a little sister and even at 29 I often think about if she had lived, what sports would she had played, what would her kids have looked like. would we live close, would our kids be close. My father was an OB and I know from personal experiences that It is very hard for Dr's also.
You can take comfort in knowing you are a person, and so was your little girl and your Doctor didn't see you as just a patient or chart. God bless you.
Kim McEvoy,
Em, I am tearing here in my dental office. I feel bad when I have to tell patients they are going to lose a tooth. Thank you very much for lightening the weight of that one.
I really feel for you. This post makes me miss Kim's father who passed away recently. He was extremely compassionate and I had a little view into what his bad days might have been like. I know because he would have felt just a small amount of the pain you feel, that words can't give much comfort. Just know that our hearts go out to you and Jason.
Ben
Post a Comment